And so it is...

So this is what closure feels like. This is what it feels like not to have any hope or any faith remaining to fall back on. So this is what it feels like to know that some things in life just will not be the same anymore.

I am not saying I am happy about this feeling because trust me I am not. I feel all the pain imaginable on this planet. I feel like a vital organ has been ripped out of my body and there is nothing that remains there but emptiness. I feel like my soul has been slashed by a sword and that it is going to take a lot of endurance from my side to stitch it back together.

Now I know what the tin-man in Wizard of Oz actually felt- living without a heart is terrible. I could perhaps survive without a brain or even survive living like a coward. But how do I just live without a heart?

So this is what it feels like not to be in love anymore..

This is what vacuum really is...

Moksha...

So you want to be immortal? So you want to attain salvation? I don't know why but this thought just crossed my mind today at work. Now I am not a preacher or a saint to give my views on this topic which many would find rhetoric.

I, once, had a discussion with a professor during my under graduate classes in India. Apparently, he couldn't wait to attain 'salvation' and he thought that this was his last life on this planet. Now, as hilarious as this sounded to me, I just responded by one question- Isn't the temptation to attain salvation a temptation in itself? Doesn't this temptation contradict the very premise on which the whole concept of salvation is based? So why all this fuss about attaining nirvana?

On a personal note, wouldn't it just be super cool to be born as someone else in some other birth (if something like that does happen)!

I could be born as anything that I imagined! I could be a butterfly or a princess or a wall street investment banker!

This is just so tempting.. I don't think I want to break out from this cycle of birth and death. I am in no hurry and in no mood to leave beloved planet earth :)

Destiny..

This is straight out of my favorite author Paulo Coelho's blog.

Deciding on the Destinies of Others
Malba Tahan tells the story of a man who met an angel in the desert and gave him water.
“I am the angel of death and I came to get you,” said the angel. “But as you were kind, I will lend you the Book of Destiny for five minutes; you may change what you want.”

The angel gave the man the book. As he was leafing through its pages, the man began reading about the lives of his neighbors. And he got discontented,
“These people don’t deserve such nice things,” he said. With the pen in hand, he began worsening the lives of each one.

Finally, he reached the page of his destiny. He saw his tragic end, but as he prepared to change it, the book disappeared. Five minutes had already passed.
And right there, the angel took the man’s soul.

Billy Wonka

This post is titled to a friend/ stranger/ someone-just-like- a-younger-sister to me. Her parents helped me out when I first set foot in this strange country. You can say she was my first friend here. She is amazingly bubbly. Her smile is infectious and her energy is constantly flowing. I have not spoken to her for a million years now but I do think of her.

Until recently I didn't know her so well. But then I stumbled across her blog. And all the ramblings of a teenage girl. She is depressed perhaps, perhaps she is happy. I don't know what. But it makes me sad somehow.

It makes me sad that I cannot be with her and help her out. Or I cannot be with her and watch her smile that infectious smile.

And this is the case with every single friend of mine. I feel so protective. I may not always want to listen to your troubles. I may not always want to laugh with you. Honestly speaking, I might not always want to cry with you too. But I will and would want to always always protect you. Being protective is the most important thing for me. The only sad thing is, I wish I was this protective for myself!

P.S: By the way the post is titled Billy Wonka because that's her nick name. :)

Whereabouts of God..

Well for starters I am glad I changed the template of my blog from jet black to pristine white. Depicts peace-within my soul and around me.

Many a times, mostly in times of distress, I have found myself looking towards God for help. But then the dual personality in me tends to question- why do I believe in something that I don't see? Why do I want to trust the fact that there is a higher being controlling all of us?

And the questions move forward making me think that does God really have to be a higher being than all of us? What if He is just down here somewhere sitting right next to us? Holding our hand when we are distressed... consoling us when we are on the verge of tears..rejoicing with our soul when we rejoice! What if He were a human being too just like you and me?

God has the power to MOVE people. He has the power to INSPIRE us. He has the power to make us BELIEVE in ourselves. And more often than not I have had people do all these tasks for me; the ones that are supposed to be done by the Almighty above. A.R Rahman's music moves me, Clint Eastwood's movies inspire me, my Mom makes me believe in myself when no one else even bothers to listen. Then are these people equivalent to God?

Yes for me they are. And I say that without any doubts whatsoever. When I do a good deed, I feel like God myself. When I see someone move me in ways no one else has done, I see God in them. So then why do I have to look above at the sky to invoke the blessings of the Almighty? I am just happy seeing Gods all around me...

I am brown.. and I am proud of that.

When you work at a convenience store, you encounter people from all walks of life. And people, in need of alcohol, will do anything for free stuff. Yes they could be racists too..

So here I was doing regular work. It was just another day at work. Nothing out of the blue. And in walks this guy who buys a whole lot of beer and some cigarettes. Turns out he has 3 credit cards and there is not even a single dime on any of those cards. He insists that I keep trying to swipe the cards again, as if my swiping them again will regenerate money in his account!

Nevertheless he asks me to hold his stuff for him and he goes to the bank next door to extract money from the ATM. Comes in 5 minutes later and says if I could give the goods to him on credit.

I, of course, politely refuse saying that it is not our policy to give goods on credit. And his exact words were, " What?! Is this India or something? I have taken goods on credit from here before." And I realized all of a sudden that my blood was boiling. Ears perked up at the mention of India from his mouth. And I managed to keep my calm and asked him, "Well what does India have to do with this?" And he has the f%$@#$% guts to say that, " Well if it was India you wouldn't give out goods on credit. After all it is a matter of trust. This is America. There is no question of that sort."

And the next words out of my mouth while pointing towards the door were, " Thank you. Have a good night."

I am amazed because of 2 things:

Firstly, I managed to keep my calm even in the midst of all the blood boiling going on in my body.

And secondly, I was amazed that people in 21st century still believe in borders and racism! We talk about being a global citizen, and being technologically so advanced that there is a world without borders. How can one do that when such things still happen in this day and age!

I wish I could have just told that so-called white guy that had it been an Indian I would have trusted him/her fully and given her the goods. But just because it was a dumb American, I held back because I don't really have any trust or interest in you!

May he rest in pieces!

A post with no name...

I have been sitting and staring at the screen for over 15 minutes now. Not knowing what to write or where to start from. The fingers twitch and yearn because nothing has been written or said for such a long period of time.

The mind wanders, as always, looking and delving into a plethora of topics that might interest me as a writer and you as a reader. But the mind ditches me. It doesn't churn up anything new. And so I start doubting myself as somebody who can write. Is my imagination so limited? Is this all that I am capable of?

But then again there emerges a hope saying, "Your mind is miraculous. It has the ability to dream and think of ideas that no one has ever thought of." And I cling onto this faith and start typing. The words flow out just like they flow out here and Voila! I have almost half of a post full of gibberish.

Sometimes just letting things be is what it is.. no observations, no opinions, no- what is good and not-so-good. Just enjoying the subtle joy of writing. That is all that this is!

Footprints in the snow...

Footprints in the snow

remind me of a time gone by,

a time that is never going

to be mine again.

Footprints in the snow

remind me of the hardships faced,

and the endurance that emerged

to reach the destination.

Footprints in the snow

remind me of the strength and,

a strong will to move ahead

despite all odds.

Footprints in the snow

soon fade away leaving

behind only the impressions

of a step once taken...

Dedicated to Fua and the UMDNJ- the hospital where this was written..

My Name is...

I am a Hindu. You are a Muslim, a Sikh, a Christian, a Jew- A HUMAN BEING! Somebody very aptly said that 'there is enough religion in us to hate but not enough to make us love each other.'

Secularism, the concept of God, the concept of His love for mankind and the fact that he made us all the same doesn't seem to put any rational thoughts in the minds of religious fanatics.

Why didn't God give 3 eyes to the Muslims instead of 2? Why didn't God make one extra leg on every Christian's body instead of 2? Why doesn't a Hindu have 2 pairs of hands?

The reason is simple yet thought provoking- God has no religion. Just like we play a variety of roles in our lives be that of a son, father, mother, daughter, sister or a friend; God too plays multiple roles for the sake of His followers.

Sometimes God becomes Shiv, sometimes Allah or sometimes Jesus. He does that out of love for His children and His children fight out of hatred for this very reason. How very ironic!

Millions have died because of this hatred and millions more have suffered because of the fanaticism of a few. Hatred breeds hatred and love breeds love. It is true that no individual can think alike. There are good people and not-so-good people. It doesn't matter if all the heads look differently, but it would just help so much if at least there back was turned against the same thing..

Hope is but the dream of those that stay awake!

Stuff..

Ironic- We bargain with a poor vendor selling caps on the road, but we pay exorbitant prices for a simple t-shirt in a Nike showroom..

Beautiful- The sight of a baby cow suckling milk from its mother, the sight of a tired body resting peacefully under the shade of a huge tree..

Amazing- A 150 year old banyan tree still standing strong in spite of all the years, experience and the torture that it might have gone through..

Love- When your eyes meet his for a flicker of a second and no words are required..

Dumb- To not tell the person you love that you love him/her..

Pain- To not be able to establish contact with your best friend when you need her the most..

Path-breaking- The genius who must have thought of the idea of having a scare-crow in his field to drive birds away without actually being present all the time..

Babies...

Ever experienced a touch as pure as the touch of God? Ever experienced the feeling of complete love when a small head rests safe and secure on your shoulder? Ever experienced the feeling of complete humanity when a small finger tugs at your hand... All this and so much more can be felt, realized and experienced all in one go- when you are with a baby.

The miracle called life is at its infant stage. They are probably the purest people on the planet. Purer than anyone of us and closest to God.

Not only infants, even small children. They knowingly and unknowingly teach us so many things. For example, my 4 year old sweetheart (my neighbour's son) taught me the Gujarati alphabet and he even taught me how to shoot an arrow out of a bow!

No ego hassles, no malice, no mind boggling mind games and an absolutely amazing window of eyes to look at this world. That is a child for you! Sometimes I just wish I could go back to being a baby, or at least be with a baby forever and ever! That is perhaps the only way I could forget about all the difficulties I faced and return back to innocence...